The Venus de Milo Instead (Screenplay)

A cultural school trip to Paris is the subject of the comedy.
“Can Mrs Gray and the French master enjoy themselves while looking after a coach load of kids in Paris without attracting the attention of Miss Black , the headmaster or the eagle eyed Trevor.”

MRS GREY: Why have you never married? I think you’d make someone a wonderful wife.
SCOTT: Because the idea of spending my whole life with the same woman panics me.
MRS GREY: But you’re a protestant you could always get a divorce.
SCOTT: Well that’s hardly a good reason for getting married – knowing you can get a divorce. Why did you get married?
MRS GREY: I didn’t intend to. I was living alone, at my most independent when I met him. But I remember walking into his very calm rooms one day- it was like shouting. And when I went home again I was very dissatisfied with my own rooms – they were too cluttered. So I started tidying up to make it more like his place. Funny thing was, he said his place felt too quiet after I left. He missed me. He used to ring me late in the evening. I could hear Mozart playing in the background . I remember thinking ,I want my life to be like that. Tidy, calm, classical. So I married him….
I don’t see the kids. Don’t you think we should go and look for them.
SCOTT: In a minute..(PAUSE) I’m thinking of emigrating…

Extract courtesy of Anne Devlin

This screenplay was influenced by Willie Russell’s Our Day Out and based on the writer’s teaching days at Bushmills Grammar in the early seventies.